"Chivalry in Grief" Guest post by Mitch Carmody

 

Note from Jessica:  My parents have been involved in Compassionate Friends/Bereaved Parents since my sister died in 1999.  I asked my mom, Jo, for ideas for guest writers and she suggested Mitch.  He has experienced the loss of his father at a young age,  a son & two siblings.  His wise words around his grief experience are much appreciated. 

As a national writer and speaker on grief I am for the most part  recognized for my journey following the  death of my 9-year-old son Kelly who died of a cancer in 1987. That event changed my life forever, but many do not know of the other familial losses that I have incurred. Our life is a puzzle in progress. It is our losses and gains that we piece together through our lifetime  that ultimately forms our destiny. We have cognitive choices that influence that destiny, but as children for the most part those choices are made for us. We grieve by proxy through our parents and subjugated by societal influence to marginalize our own pain. You are young, you are resilient, kids bounce right back.

My  father died at age 49 when I was 15 years old. My mother’s words of wisdom to me were: dead is dead; buck up and get on with your life; you are the man of the family now; you need to take care of the farm and your sisters. I guess it was the chivalrous thing to do…and expected. I tucked my grief away, manned up and took on my new role as the alpha of the family. The youngest of 7 kids; my older sibs were married and out of the house; it was just my twin sister and my 18-year-old sister at home. I took on the role of the man of the family; the chivalrous thing to do.

My brother David died in 1974 of Cerebral Palsy. Ten years later in 1984 my twin sister Sandy at age 29 was killed with her two young sons in an auto accident. She had a set of 18 month old boy/girl twins at home when she died. It rocked my family and sibs, but my mother reacted the same way, “what is done is done son, we have to put it behind us”.   I struggled to bury my grief away and then less than two years later my son was diagnosed with cancer. I had to fight the fight to save my son and put my sibling grief on hold for a long, long time, I was getting good at it. It was the chivalrous thing to do.

It’s a choice, and a path for survival but it is not resiliency, vulnerability, or compassionate insight, its bravado and denial of one’s own feelings. Chivalry is not just a man thing; it is practiced by women as well as children. In a recent epiphany I realized that for all the years that I knew my mother she was a bereaved parent; I have lived with a bereaved mom for my whole life. Things now seem more transparent, and I understand her better than I ever have before. A a bereaved parent I now get it. I now look at my life and put all our family losses together and have realized how much that my mom had lost. She had buried a young husband, her only sibling, both parents, three of her children and three grandchildren.

Whatever our loss may be, there is no putting it behind you. You coexist with it. It is now part of the fabric of your destiny. If you are a sibling who has experienced the death of your brother/sister at any age, recognize it, take it out of the closet; talk about the journey with pride and not shame or embarrassment. Remember your parents are changed forever and may still be falling apart inside, forgive them their shortcomings they are bereaved parents.

Bring your sibling back to the dinner table; keep them in your life and in the conversation with your parents, sibs, and your friends. Dead is not gone and we do not have to let go; we do not get over loss, we learn to live with it, it is part of us. Knowing that, not only can we survive, we can thrive.

Find other bereaved siblings close to your age that can validate you own feelings about what you are experiencing. Talk to older adults who are seasoned bereaved siblings and enlist their advice. Put chivalry to bed and strive to be vulnerable to the ramifications of the loss. That is resiliency, that is taking control of your life; it is surviving. It is honoring your sibling with your life. Turn loss to legacy, but not with chivalry, process your grief openly without compunction. Be yourself. Be proactive and patient.

Mitch on Facebook:  Mitch Carmody | Facebook

Proactive grieving in a nutshell:  https://youtu.be/zfPLs-BFiTE