Growing old(er): Rambling thoughts about grief, age, & birthdays

 

Sisters-circa 1994.  I was18 and she around 16 and my shirt ironically says "Don't Look Back" but that's all I can do when I see this snapshot in time.  You see, I will turn 47 this May & have spent more time on this planet without my sister than I had with her.  I grow older but can not picture her any older.  Tomorrow would have been her 44th birthday, yet I can't imagine her as middle aged woman.  Feelings have always been hard for me to name, but I almost feel guilty for leaving her behind.  Grief makes no sense sometimes.  As I continue to age and my image in the mirror no longer matches my memory of her, how do I reconcile those things?

My sibling grief buddy, Amanda Held Opelt, recently did a podcast with Kelly Wolfe in which they talked about having to use "grief muscles" sometimes.  To summarize her post(please go read it in it's entirety) she says that much like working out, sometimes we have grief highs like workout highs where we see everything clearly and can help others. Eventually, like in running(which I only do if chased) there will be a crash from the workout high, which allows us to heal and be helped in return and feel hope. Amanda writes "the pain will always be there, but he(God) will fortify you to bear it. He will strengthen your grief muscles."  Some days we can help others and other days need to accept the help but through it all, we remember and grow and flex our grief muscles.

One thing that has helped me build my grief muscle is to do something tangible in the world near her birthday and the day she died.  Usually I give blood, but this week is a busy one for me, so I scheduled it for January 31st.  My act of love and remembrance for her birthday tomorrow is this blog post- that sometimes time is weird and also grief changes and evolves over time, but it never ever really goes away.  

If you have experienced the loss of a sibling, please consider sharing your story with me and flexing your grief muscle.  Email me at jessicajdagel@gmail.com with any questions or to share your story.