Sibling Grief: why we need to share our stories

 

When my younger sister was diagnosed with a rare bone sarcoma in 1997, I optimistically thought she'd be treated and everything would get back to "normal." Two years later our lives were anything but back to normal. 

I got married in 6 days so my sister could be a part of our wedding and a few months later helped plan a funeral for her. Amidst my grief I had a stark feeling that nothing would ever be "normal" again. 

Still in the early days of the internet, I found little about how to process & cope with the loss of a sibling. Often I would pick up my (ginormous) cell phone and long to call  her.  Holidays and yearly events that she had been part of came and went with her presence sorely missed but often not acknowledged.  My parents filed for bankruptcy and divorce, but later got back together-that's a whole other story.  Not knowing what to do with his own grief, my younger brother left for the Marines and returned home when his anger became too much even for the Marines to handle.

Over time, my husband and I began to talk about my sister more in every day conversation and I found this somehow made me feel better to remember her.  At school, I began to talk openly with students and colleagues about their grief when they lost a loved one.  I learned how to support those in grief by listening and being present.  On Facebook, I began hosting virtual "birthday parties" for my sister and inviting people to share their own stories, memories, and photos of her.  With my own daughter, I point out things my sister would have liked or when she does something that reminds me of her.  In short, I have found that talking about her and sharing stories has helped keep her alive in some small sense in my life today.

On what would have been her 40th birthday, I posted on Facebook that I wanted to write a book of sibling grief stories in her memory.  For the past 1.5 years, I have tried to take other people's information and turn them into short narratives about sibling loss.  Unfortunately, those stories aren't mine to tell and don't feel authentic to me-so, I have started this blog. I know so many people who have lost a sibling(or more than one).  Each month I will share a guest's writings about their sibling grief experience and any advice they have.  If you'd like to be a guest author, just email me and I'll send you some prompts & questions-but what you write will be your own story.  I believe that this is the best way to grieve & honor our siblings-by sharing our stories together.

Jessica Dagel- Ankeny, IA

@mrsthedagel on twitter

My sister, Joslin, died of  Osteosarcoma in 1999. She was 20, I was 23 and my younger brother was 18.