 | |
| Megan, Brian & Shannon |
My Sibling Grief Story
When Brian was 25 he was killed in a car accident after hitting black ice on Highway 218 just south of Iowa City, IA.His car spun out and crossed into the other lane of traffic where he was t-boned. He was wearing his seatbelt and his front airbag deployed but he still suffered a traumatic brain injury. Brain was rushed to UIHC and had many broken bones and lacerations but his heart was strong. Brain swelling and brain activity was the laser focus of the medical team. Lots of diagnostic and monitoring testing were done but the outcome was always inevitable - he was brain dead. By the grace of God, almost all of his organs were healthy and undamaged, except his lungs and pancreas that were injured by his seat belt. The hope of his organs and tissues helping others was the only light in this incredibly dark time. Brian donated his heart, kidneys, liver, corneas, bones, and tissues. Others live with their lives saved or improved because of him. His gift of life was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
Sibling Grief at the Time of Brian’s Death
The loss of Brian and the manner in which it happened was traumatic. I was in grad school at Iowa and lived in North Liberty. I had just gotten home from work when I got a call from my parents telling me that a police officer had come to their door in Dubuque; Brian had been in a car accident and was at UIHC. It was a winter storm outside - ice and snow - and they would be driving down with my sister, Shannon, who was still at home for winter break. I arrived at the hospital that evening by myself. The information desk told me where to find him - the Surgical ICU. As I approached Brian’s bay I felt like I had slammed into a brick wall. I was able to tell Brian I was there and squeeze his hand before I had to go back to the waiting room. As I walked out of the SICU my brain was going a million miles an hour but the constant interfering thought was “he’s gone”. I tried to formulate what I was going to call and tell my parents who were still driving. I somehow got through that… it’s vague, as if I’ve blocked it out.
From that point on I pretty much compartmentalized. I did grieve and cry, but I also took charge when my parents needed me to. I remember my dad as being rationale and making decisions but my mom fell apart completely. Her grief response included being unable to answer questions and make decisions. I do not fault her for that in the least as I can’t imagine this situation as a mother.
Sibling Grief in the Present
The grief never goes away. It ebbs and flows, but is always lingering under the surface. Sometimes it is buried deep and other times it bubbles up. The big and small life moments that make me wonder - What would he be doing today? Would he be married? Would he be traveling the world? . I wonder what he would be like as an uncle to my girls who love to jump, run, wrestle, and dance. Thinking of all these things makes me laugh, smile, and cry. Oftentimes when I’m thinking about Brian I am doing all three.
The fact that Brian was able to donate his organs and tissues immensely helped my grief. Knowing that he was able to help others and that his death had some meaning is incredibly comforting. The organ and tissue donation world is one of compassion, generosity, grace, and love. I’m so proud to be a part of it. The Iowa Donor Network has been such a support for my family and me. Their annual events are just another way we honor Brian.
How I Continue to Honor Brian
Iowa Donor Network (IDN) events are a big celebration for my family. Brian had the honor of being a floragraph on the Donate Life Parade of Roses float in 2011. It was an amazing and healing experience filled with love and joy. I have such good memories of that trip and celebration of Brian. We also love doing the Green 5K in Brian’s honor and it means so much for our family and friends to participate then have a little party afterwards.
I love having tangibles around as well. The biggest one is a gazebo built at The Mines of Spain outside of Dubuque, IA. Brian loved running and hiking the trails at the Mines. The gazebo is a perfect place to stop and feel close to him. Brian also played ultimate frisbee at Iowa on their IHUC team. The team has frisbees and jerseys with his image on it. Shannon and I take the frisbee places we travel to get pictures with it. We see it as taking Brian on our adventures with us. Brian loved traveling, hiking, camping, and photography. Having pictures of him on those trips as well as the ones he’s taken are comforting
At my wedding we had our “ring bearers” carry Brian’s frisbee and a jersey with his image on it down the aisle. We placed it on the altar as a token of his presence in the celebration of our marriage. My sister, Shannon, had my younger, Stella, as a flower girl in a wagon with pictures of both Brian and my dad at her wedding. After the parent dances, Shannon also gave a speech dedicating the next songs to Brian and my dad and the special meaning behind them.
In Fall 2019 I seriously considered becoming a living kidney donor. An acquaintance was in need of a kidney transplant (ideally a kidney and pancreas transplant) and I could not stop thinking about it. I talked about it with my family (Jason, my mom, and my sister) and my therapist. My family’s main concern was the recovery period from surgery which included strict and lengthy lifting restrictions which would have been very difficult with our young children (4 and 2 at the time). I still felt a pull towards donation and ended up doing the full work up at UIHC that living donors must go through. The results came back that I was a good donation candidate but it was my ultimate decision if I would be listed as a living donor. I then spent time praying about and reflecting on the decision and discussing it weekly with my therapist trying to pinpoint my “why”. I felt like it would honor Brian’s gift of organ donation and make me feel closer to him. While I was still thinking about the decision, that acquaintance received the call that there was a deceased donor that had a kidney and pancreas that matched her for transplant, just like she needed. That helped solidify the answer to my decision; not a “no” but a “not yet”. I ultimately still would like to be a living kidney donor in the future, when the timing is right.
Final Thoughts
Brian would be 39 right now. It’s painful to think about the 13 years we have been without him, but comforting to think about his organ and tissue recipients. The heart, liver, kidneys, and tissues in others bodies are also 39, and LIVING on in others. These individuals are now able to live their life to the fullest. I will write more about my sibling grief experience in a second future post.
 |
| Brian- post Frisbee playing |
 |
| Green Team 2018 |
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please be considerate and respectful in your comments.