Guest Post: Megan part 2

In April I shared the first part of my sibling grief story about my brother Brian.  April is Organ and Tissue Donation Month and that is a huge piece of my grief puzzle.  To read more about Brian’s story and his gift of life, read Part 1 of my story.  Part 1 includes me sharing my sibling grief story - both at the time of Brian’s death and in the present - as well as how I continue to honor Brian’s life and memory.

Part 2:

Brian’s Death Forever Changed Our Family

At the time of Brian’s death my parents had a happy marriage.  Brian was 25, I was 22, and Shannon was 20.  We all went to the University of Iowa.  Shannon and I weren’t super close but both had great relationships with Brian.  I lived with Brian and his roommate, Christian, for a month before I started grad school.  For about a year before Brian died he and I would go to dinner or a movie at least once a month.  Following Brian’s death, my sister and I became closer.  We both wanted to honor Brian and emulate his best qualities.  I truly believe his strength in life made both Shannon and I stronger in his death.  In contrast, my parents fell apart in their own way.  My mom dealt with her grief by isolating herself and falling into a depression.  Nothing seemed to have much meaning for her and she was just going through the motions.  My dad’s struggles with mental illness became more prevalent and, unbeknownst to us, he fell back into some addictive behaviors that he hadn't engaged in for 20+ years.  

As a family, Brian’s death brought us closer in some ways and tore us apart in others.  We lashed out more easily and there were lots of hurt feelings.  Sometimes the work of confronting our grief and the resulting behavior was too hard, so we didn’t and buried it instead.  Resentments grew and some still linger today.  My parents' marriage became more and more strained as the years passed.  My father’s choices,  coupled with his health and mental illness struggles, estranged him from us in the last few years of his life and he died in October 2016.  I am unable to separate the pain of my father’s death and our difficult relationship, from Brian’s death.  In retrospect, that seems to be the catalyst for my parents' struggle and still greatly impacts all of us today.

My sister had her first baby, a boy, in February 2020 and she named him Brian Larkin after my brother.  It’s the strangest and most wonderful thing.  Now we say his name over and over again all the time.  When he was first born, my daughters got a little confused because we talk about Uncle Brian often so now we have Uncle Brian and Baby Brian.  I just love that more of my brother continues to live on through his namesake.

What Helped Me in my Sibling Grief 

Leaning on my close relationships and telling people what I was going through helped me so much immediately and in the long term.  The death of a sibling is definitely a defining characteristic for me.  It’s not the only characteristic but it is an important one and not something I hide.  Right after Brian died I communicated with my professors,  employers, and coworkers  to let them know and make them aware that there may be times where I would need to step out and take a minute. Then, I would actually take those minutes.  It helped me move forward without holding too much in, because that would overwhelm me.

Having strong friendships and relationships was imperative for me.  Jason, my husband, and I had been dating for two years and he was my rock.  He would ask me what I needed and often my answer was “I don’t know” but then he would follow my lead.   I often just needed a listening ear, even when it was just me crying over the phone or if we were together, to hold me.  Many of my friendships were from my hometown and they were people who knew Brian.  If they went to Iowa too then they knew Brian from his parties and tailgating.  They cried and reminisced with me.  

I can’t recommend counseling and therapy enough.  Right after Brian’s death I found free counseling through Hospice (even though Brian was not a Hospice client).  Having someone to objectively listen, with no judgment, with your best interest at the forefront, is invaluable.  Therapy is still helpful to me in my grief and trauma from Brian’s death.

Medication is  also helpful for me.  The year prior I had started taking medication for anxiety and depression.  After Brian died I worked with my doctor to up my dosage and add another medication to help me manage my depression and anxiety without numbing me.  I continue on an antidepressant to this day.  It is something my brain and body needs.

Staying connected with Brian’s friends has been a great thing.  He had some amazing friends and thanks to social media I get to see all the things they and their families are doing.  Brian impacted a lot of people and I love staying in touch with them as it makes me feel close to him as well. 

The most helpful things others did for me was to tell me they were thinking about me, my family, and Brian.  The heartfelt cards we received from people meant the world and were read and reread.  I always love when people tell me stories about Brian because they often involve hijinks and make me laugh.  In general, just saying his name means so much and tells me that he is not forgotten.  It brings me joy.  It may bring tears but the primary emotion is joy.  It makes me feel less alone.

Grief and Faith

When Brian died, faith didn’t play a huge role outside of our Roman Catholic faith and having the traditional wake and funeral.  Digging into my faith breaks my grief wounds wide open so I needed to be in the right head and heart space.  At the time of Brian’s death I was not ready to look deeply at my spiritual life.  I believed he was in heaven and that’s as far as I could go with it.  When I returned to faith at Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny there would be worship songs and sermons from Pastor Scott Rains that would just tear me apart.   Just about every sermon and worship song I can relate back to Brian and my grief experience and I welcome it.  Now my faith is also a part of me talking with my children about Brian.

Advice for Anyone Who Has Lost a Sibling

Don’t minimize it.  It’s not the same as other losses but it is no less.  It seems to be a hidden loss sometimes and I find when I share about it other people say they know someone who has experienced it and I otherwise would have had no idea.  Seek out the things that make you feel connected to your sibling.  Do what is best for you.  You are not responsible for anyone else’s healing.  You have experienced a great loss and must take care of yourself.  Look for community - whether that be with others who loved your sibling, others who have experienced loss, a faith family, etc.  Do not be afraid to share your story and your grief.  I know this is ultimately the goal of this blog and I’m so thankful for it.