In
a strange way, I consider myself lucky that I was able to be present, say
goodbye, and prepare a bit for my sister's death. Many do not get that chance
if the death is sudden or unexpected. My memories of the day and week of
my sister's death shine vividly in my mind's eye and as the anniversary
approaches, I struggled to put words to my thoughts and emotions. The
first few years after she died, I tried to turn the thoughts off, however as
the years have gone by, I have come to see these memories as sacred. I
have learned that life can be both painful and beautiful at the same time.
On
the crisp Tuesday morning of September 14, 1999, I stood in our living room as
my sister breathed her last breaths. The images and memories from that day are
literally seared into my brain. As are my memories from the funeral later
that week. I can't hear "Shout to the Lord" or Green Day's "Good
Riddance" without thinking of her and that season of life. At the
time, I remember trying to hold so many emotions at the same time: grief and
peace, sadness and relief she wasn't in pain anymore, sorrow and the guilt of
being alive instead of her. A gaping hole in my neatly planned out future
where her life would no longer be.
Jason
Gray, one of my favorite singers, posted a quote by Dietrich Bonhoffer that
really spoke to my heart: “There is nothing that can replace the absence
of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must
simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same
time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains
unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to
say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves
it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the
authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the
remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the
torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as
a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can
always be certain.”
This
quote caused me to look at that "hole" in my heart in a new way. I
have always tried to remember happy things about her around this time to
"get though", but Bonhoffer says we "bear what was lovely in the
past not as a thorn, but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of
which one can always be certain." The idea that the hole in our lives, and
the pain we feel, helps maintain that relationship that we so miss, makes the
pain somehow more bearable and familiar. "Gratitude transforms the torment
of memory into silent joy."
In
the Harry Potter book series, I have always deeply connected with the scene
where Harry and Luna discuss seeing thestrals. For those who have not read or
seen Harry Potter, thestrals are horse-like creatures that can only be seen by
those who have seen a death. They are a tangible and visible way of how we
are changed by death and now belong to a "club" of those who can also
see them. Harry's friends could not see the thestral because they didn't share
his grief or experience of death. Losing a loved one changes us in such a
way that from that point on, we see the entire world differently.
I
am sad that my sister died of bone cancer when she was 20 and I was 23. I
am profoundly grateful for the lessons of empathy, peace and understanding that
were borne out of that pain. I feel deep regret when I think about my daughter
and how much she would have enjoyed her aunt. And I also have peace,
knowing she will meet her someday. There is no turning the memories off.
The grief doesn't magically go away one day. There are no steps because the
path isn't a straight line. I belong to a "club" I don't want
to be part of because I have seen death and have learned that burden is lighter
when shared. This blog is part of sharing that burden & I invite you to
share your stories as well.
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| Luna with a Thestral |
Jess, I have learned so much about grief and thank you feeling these memories.
ReplyDeleteThis year on the anniversary of Joslin's leap in God's arms, ...... I will remember things differently. And Green Day song will be listened to in a better way.
She was very special to me!
Today Jess, I remember what an amazing sister she was also.
Love you..... Aunt Jan Jan
Thanks Janice! She loved spending time with her aunties!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, dear Jess.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your pain.
I rejoice in what you have allowed as you have felt and processed your losses and grief. You have grown through tragedy and your heart is able to love and appreciate better because of it.
You are a wonderful daughter.
I am loving you!