Guest Post: Jason Dagel on the grief of losing a sister-in-law

 

Joslin with Jason & Jess at their wedding

Joslin's senior picture(as she wanted to be remembered)

Preface from Jess: Twenty-two years ago, Jason and I married quickly(in 6 days) so that Joslin could be part of our wedding, which I have never regretted. I have included a picture of us from our wedding, but you all should know that she hated how she looked in this stage of her life. Steroids had puffed her up and she hated her hair. I am including one of her senior pictures as well so you can see how she looked before in the hopes that she doesn't haunt my dreams over posting the wedding picture.

When Jess first floated the idea of me writing about my perspective on grief as a brother-in-law to her sister who died of cancer far too young, I needed time to think about it.  For those of you who know me, this is probably shocking, as I am not one to need a lot of time before sharing my thoughts.  But my first thought was that I didn’t think I would have that much to offer, my second thought was that this post might unintentionally cause pain or hurt feelings (and I’ve said many prayers since that it won’t), and my third thought was that maybe, just maybe, me putting words down might help someone (a major part of Jess’s motivation in doing this blog), so it’s worth a shot.  

Guest Post: Megan part 2

In April I shared the first part of my sibling grief story about my brother Brian.  April is Organ and Tissue Donation Month and that is a huge piece of my grief puzzle.  To read more about Brian’s story and his gift of life, read Part 1 of my story.  Part 1 includes me sharing my sibling grief story - both at the time of Brian’s death and in the present - as well as how I continue to honor Brian’s life and memory.

Part 2:

Brian’s Death Forever Changed Our Family

At the time of Brian’s death my parents had a happy marriage.  Brian was 25, I was 22, and Shannon was 20.  We all went to the University of Iowa. 

Ted Talks on Grief

My mom is a bereaved parent(my sister) and has lost a sibling(her brother) as well as many other loved ones.  I hope she writes something for this blog in the future.  She posts lots of great things on Facebook and today she posted this Ted Talk from David Kessler on Grief.  It debunks the language of  some of the myths and misconceptions about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. This is part of a series on grief, which discusses how to find meaning and acknowledge that we don’t "move on" or "get over a loss" but rather learn to live with it. If you have time, I think you'll find these helpful. On the side of the Ted Talks webpage are other Ted Talks on Grief as well if you wish to find even more.

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Here are the Ted Talk links:

1) David Kessler: Finding Meaning after Loss

2) We don't move on, we move forward from Grief:  

3) How to support yourself and others in grief.

Guest post: I Still Feel Scared Sometimes by Mary Ellen Dirkson

I Still Feel Scared Sometimes

My brother, Rob, died by suicide fifteen years ago now.

I’m a grown adult, with an oldest daughter in college and youngest almost in middle school.

I’ve studied serious topics, all my degrees and diplomas framed on my wall.

I’ve gone to counselors for ten years and they all confirm I’m not suffering from some serious mental disease or irresolvable pain.

Yes, I know better than to worry the entire bottom of life will fall out.

But I still feel scared sometimes.

Forever

I ran across this on twitter from a "grief expert" that I follow, Megan Devine.  Her website and tweets have helped me immensely with my own processing and how to be a better friend and support to others in grief.  Each semester I speak to our Leadership class about appreciation and gratitude.  I talk about my sister and explain that while I certainly am not thankful my sister died, I am thankful for the person I became because of the experience.  I can look back and see that what bloomed from her sickness and death is a flower of kindness and empathy for those in need.  "you will never be the same nor should you be the same."  Each experience of our lives shapes us into a new version of ourselves, if we let it.

-Jess

 

Guest Post: Megan part 1

 

Megan, Brian & Shannon

April is Organ and Tissue Donation Month.  I’m proud to honor my brother, Brian, by sharing the story of his death that ultimately saved the lives of many others through organ and tissue donation.  Please be an organ donor! This link leads you to your state’s site so you can Sign Up To Be an Organ Donor!

My Sibling Grief Story

When Brian was 25 he was killed in a car accident after hitting black ice on Highway 218 just south of Iowa City, IA.His car spun out and crossed into the other lane of traffic where he was t-boned.  He was wearing his seatbelt and his front airbag deployed but he still suffered a traumatic brain injury. 

Sibling Day: A day of complex emotions

 

Facebook is telling me that today is Sibling Day.  I see posts with happy pictures and funny stories or how awesome their siblings are...and another complex emotion day begins.  Maybe you have felt that way too on a day such as this- should I post something as well about my siblings-even though one of them is gone?  Memories from the past bubble up in my brain, kicking in the grief and longing to talk to my sister.  Then my brain goes to my brother, wondering if he's sad today too and should I talk to him today or would that make it harder on him too?

Share your story of sibling loss

Would you like to be a guest author on this blog?  If you have lost a sibling, you are qualified!  Just email jessicajdagel@gmail.com with your story. 

Introduction by Amanda Held Opelt

 

“He was my North, my South, my East, and West…”

From W.H. Auden’s “Funeral Blues”

Growing up, I spent plenty of sleepless nights worried something bad would happen to my parents.  Even as I entered adulthood, I understood that there would come a day when I’d be arranging for my parents medical care in their old age and eventually planning their funerals.  It’s what children expect to do for their parents.

 Sibling Grief Links 

A place for website, books, programs, etc. that you have personally found helpful in dealing with your grief.  If you'd like to add things that have been helpful to this list, please email your suggestion to jessicajdagel@gmail.com.